I know why Emily picked Arie & Jef and let Sean go. When they were on dates with her, all three of them, only Arie and Jef wanted to know such detailed, REAL information like who would live where, what would their life be like, etc. It showed me and I guess Emily that the feelings they have developed for her are real, and they are thinking ahead realistically. Unfortunately for Sean, he didn’t ask anything like that. He did, however, offer a very sweet bit of writing about Rickie. Sorry to see Sean go but I think Emily is choosing the right person, unlike the last Bachelor, when what’s his name picked Courtney! Wow.
Well, I could have seen that coming. I know Chris seemed sweet and probably is a good man, but under that kind of pressure, I think it got to him. Accusing sweet Doug of antagonizing him? It didn’t even happen. Chris seemed way too sensitive about everything, which to mean screams immaturity. He’ll grow out of it and be an amazing catch, but isn’t quite there yet. I saw someone who maybe wouldn’t be able to handle much chaos, and with kids comes that, even if it’s the good kind. And yes, there is a good kind of chaos. Where all four kids are singing a different song at once, or playing sock wars with bundled socks flying everywhere, or laughing over a Chris Farley scene…we miss you, Chris.
What I saw in The Bachelorette Chris is that he kept saying he was the best man for Emily in that group. Anyone who says they are the best is only trying to convince themselves. It’s like playing Facebook’s game, Farkle, with a guy from Aussie who’s married, who says he has a great relationship with his wife, who flirts incessantly with me no matter how many times I tell him to stop, who doesn’t tell his wife he’s talking to more than one woman online…and he says he’s a “nice guy.” I put up with him for a few weeks, then cut off communication. He’s not a nice guy, and what I told him is his wife and I both deserve better.
Who do I predict Emily will end up with? Sean. He’s not my first choice, though. He might be a great guy but I haven’t once seen him act like a kid, really let himself go. He seems like he’d be very controlling, but I’m sure loving, and a great provider and protector. And Jef is a great guy, but does she not see that he’s probably Morman, and that’s not a bad thing, but definitely something she needs to know if she’s not Mormon? And yes, he’s so fun to be with, he’s so expressive and honest, you can’t help but love the guy. But Arie, he’s the guy for her. In that race car suit? Wow! Come on! And he is silly, goofy, honest, loving. It stinks that I think he’ll be the one rejected in the end.
I guess we’ll see soon enough. I need to get out more. No, I just need to get out, period.
I know I’m a bit behind, but Doug? Noooo. He is so sweet. A little slow but man, he must have been hurt by some awful woman. And John, well I guess I could see that one coming. He just held back so much, but as the great Paul Rudd says in Forty Year Old Virgin, “that’s [his] journey.”
And as I warned you, I do have a bit of a meltdown when I talk about the abuse, so that’s why I haven’t been posting much lately. I’ll get back.
Hands down, Ryan is gorgeous, funny, charming, endearing. On the flip side, what he wants in a woman is much like a robot: not too emotional, logical, servant, etc. Some of the attributes on his list are good of course, like faithful, but as Emily says, there is nothing on his list about love. Kind of sad. And when he leaves her after not getting the rose, the one thing he really focuses on is how he looks, how his personality is portrayed, on camera. Not one tear. Because he knows getting women is not difficult for him. And I think he assumes that he will be the next Bachelor.
As for Travis, your heart just breaks. Look at the difference between Travis leaving, Alejandro leaving, and Ryan. Profound difference. And I just wanted to yell at my television, “Yes Travis, you will find someone!” But of course that would have been pathetic, so I didn’t yell it. I just thought it. It’s a toss up for me between Alejandro and Travis for the new Bachelor. Or that sweet man, sorry I can’t remember his name, with the disability. As I said before, this group of guys, especially the ones left now, have huge hearts, and real emotion, like Doug did on Monday. It made my heart hurt. They all deserve someone amazing, and what they don’t know is that they will probably get more offers of love than they can handle. I just hope they find someone perfect for each of them.
Anyway, just my thoughts, and I already know I am too committed to watching other people fall in love instead of finding my own. I just don’t know what that feels like, so I stay away from it rather than walking toward it. I didn’t know that PTSD was why I never could connect to anyone. Why I couldn’t stay. Or love very deeply. So I live vicariously through all the romance movies and novels and reality shows, and that’s how I feel anything at all.
Let me start by saying I really wanted to be an architect when I was younger. And it wasn’t Craig in the story who designed the spaceship house: it was me. And the design of the house rebuilt is also mine. I would love a house with a Bridge to Nowhere, secret passageways, and train tracks running through it. I also designed that house for wheelchairs, to include going through the pool, but again, I was very young at the time. It’s the thought that counts, right?
As for the tarot card reading scene, that was real. No one was with me at the time, as my children live in different houses in different cities, but I thought of each of them, to include the characters of Craig and Jason, and did an actual tarot card reading. It was dead on for my kids and myself, and I believe dead on the Craig and Jason’s characters.
A women’s shelter where I live read my book and loved it, and thought that if they had the funds, they
would buy a bunch of them and hand them out! There is a real need for women who have been abused
to read this book, to have some hope. If you are interested, this is a great way to give back. Because I
self-published, the book is kind of expensive and my hope is that a publisher will pick up my book, and
the cost will go down! For now, though, if you feel so inclined, why not buy the book and donate it to a
shelter near you?
Again, the book is for sale on amazon.com.
After the kids and I left him behind in the Hemet, CA dust, and moved to Nashville, we all sighed some relief. I knew I had to move as far away from him as possible. One reason was to protect us all. The other was that I knew he didn’t have enough money to come see us. During the divorce hearing, I brought up the abuse. The judge said I was making everything up. I was devastated. Actually, let me back up. There was a mediator, a woman, who was to talk to each one of us separately, and then the children collectively. Cezar must have charmed her because she recommended visitation, all four of my babies to go to his apartment, two full weekends a month! That’s when the judge said I was making everything up. I think I turned to stone that day. Numb. Dead. My children were ages 1.5 to 6 at that point. And they were being made to visit their abusive monster of a father every other weekend. But I knew somewhere in my heart that this wouldn’t be allowed for long. I knew Cezar would hang himself. I just wish I could have been there to see it. Actually make the noose, tighten the knot, secure it around his neck, kick out the stool from under him.
After court, we all went outside. Cezar came up to me and said, “Don’t ever do that to me again.” He meant telling all of our secrets. I felt threatened like old times, so like an abused person with no self-esteem and my head in a fog, I nodded. But somewhere inside I knew I was lying, and I would have a second shot at telling my story.
The visitations began. I hugged all four of my babies tight against me, not wanting them to go. I glared at Cezar as he drove off with them. I went inside my now childless house, full of horrible memories, and cried. Not long after, Fia called me crying. She was so tiny back then, so afraid. She wanted to come home. I talked to her for an hour I think. Finally convinced her that she could call me anytime she wanted to, and that seemed to comfort her. She did call several times that first weekend. I was elated when his car drove up on Sunday, giving them back to me. I asked them a lot of questions to make sure nothing horrible had happened. Other than traumatizing them all, no, nothing had happened.
One weekend Cezar didn’t show up at all. I jumped around the house with joy. My children joined in. In knew they didn’t want to be there either.
As weekends came and went, my youngest three were severely traumatized from being away from me. A new court hearing was set. I told my story to a new mediator, a man this time. Cezar wasn’t able to charm him. The mediator, who I thought of then and still do, as an angel in disguise, or at the very least, my prince, told the judge that the three youngest were never to go back to Cezar’s apartment. That they were so traumatized that he was worried about their recovery. The only way Cezar could see them was in my home, supervised visits, one hour, every other Saturday. The eldest, Rhona, was still allowed to go over to his apartment, but only if she wanted to. I was elated! I thanked the mediator over and over again. I might have even hugged him.
Rhona did want to go back, even though she was the one most abused by him. One time she came home and said that she saw Cezar’s older daughter in his bedroom. He had given her candy, or money to rub his back and feet with oil. It made me sick. The last time Rhona went over there she came home with bruised ribs. Cezar’s older son had pushed her into a coffee table. When she said, “I don’t think I want to go back again,” I cried. Finally I had them all back, he couldn’t do anything about it, and as I knew he would do, he had hung himself.